I haven’t been able to write for the past 2 months or so, so I decided why not write a post about how I don’t know what to write about.
When I started this blog, I knew exactly what to write. Thoughts and ideas just flowed and there was never a point when I struggled to write. I would write almost every single day. My writing made sense to me. Whenever I was inspired and motivated, I’d write it all down and I felt that satisfied feeling.
However, these past 2 months have been a battle between my thoughts and my writing. It’s like there’s no connection between them. There’s no flow and most of what I’ve written feels heartless and cold. There’s no emotion. My thoughts are like this raging storm but when I start writing, I feel stuck. It’s like my thoughts refuse to cooperate when I start typing. Even when I do manage to cough up some sentences, I’m not satisfied with the matter.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have a strict writing schedule, or I haven’t felt inspired to write anything, or maybe I’m overly critical of my writing, I’m not sure. I want to be able to write like I used to and feel that satisfied feeling after I finish writing an article. I hope that my thoughts and my writing can re-connect. For now, I guess I’ll continue writing about my struggle with not being able to write.
Have you ever experience this before? Let me know how you dealt with it.
One thing to know about me is that apart from being an awkward and a shy introvert – I avoid conflicts at all costs. The moment I sense conflict coming my way, I run the opposite way. I can’t even stand the thought of being in a fight with anyone, it bothers me physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally……..(you get what I’m trying to say)
My strong urge to avoid conflict has made me a people pleaser. If someone shows any signs of dislike towards me, I panic, I try to empty and utilize all of my people pleasing skills and make sure they like me. I’ll smile extra, laugh at their jokes even if they’re lame, I’ll be extra nice just because I want them to like me and also because I can’t stand conflict or the thought of it. In order to avoid conflicts, arguments or anything of the sort, I make sure I please people to the best of my abilities.
I don’t really know why I’m like this. I guess I know how it feels like to be in a conflict and I don’t want anyone to feel like this ever. I detest that uncomfortable feeling that arises when you’re not talking to your best friend or when someone yells at you. It stresses me out, my thoughts work overtime and it leaves me up at night wondering what went wrong. It’s horrible. And so, I panic and I don’t say how I feel when someone upsets me because I don’t want to lose them and I certainly do not want to start a fight.
The perks of being like this is people really like you and feel safe in your company. However, some take advantage of the fact that I avoid conflict and use that to say whatever they want because they know I won’t retaliate. It’s actually ruined some of my friendships because I would remain quiet if someone’s behavior bothered me and eventually we would stop talking and things became awkward.
Hence I’ve been learning that pointing out something that I dislike about someone’s behavior isn’t always conflict. There’s a way to handle relationship problems without it getting heated. Sit down together, explain your issues calmly and listen to the other’s point of view. If you’re angry, go out for a while and cool down because nothing will work when you’re angry. This is very challenging for me and it isn’t easy. However, I have noticed that calmly addressing my issues has brought me closer to my friends and has brought out mutual understanding.
What do you think of conflict? Are you also like me?
We live in a society that has made us believe that being extroverted is the norm and anything other than that is just purely unacceptable. So what happens to those people who don’t fit into the category of extroverts? What happens to those who do not like to be surrounded by people a lot, who derive their energy from alone time rather than from groups of people? They are unfortunately, looked down upon in society, cast aside and misunderstood. They are “Introverts”.
Since introverts are so different from extroverts, people instead of trying to understand us, label us and give us name which are not at all who we are. Some of the common labels are “Introverts are depressed, shy, anti-social, slow, rude, snobs, cold, boring……” If you ask any introvert, I’m sure they can recall a time when they did anything to be an extrovert just because at some point they felt that who they were was not acceptable or there was something wrong with them or they felt misunderstood.
But once, you find out that there is nothing wrong with you and that you fit into this category of people called, “Introverts”, you feel so much more connected and understood. It feels like you’ve found your family after years of searching for them. It’s this euphoric, ecstatic feeling that is quite hard to explain. You realize you’re normal and you want to find out more information about who you actually are. You spend hours on Introverted Sites or reading books on introversion trying to full explore your personality. You try to find more introverts like yourself and when you do, you feel more and more validated and comfortable with being you. You also begin to realize that choosing to spend time alone over a social event is completely okay. Your feelings of confusion suddenly fade away. You no longer feel the urge to fit in with the rest of the extroverts and escape from your introversion. You find your identity and there is no other feeling like it.
Perhaps my biggest insecurity is of the way I look. I’ve never been able to accept the way I look or even consider myself as “pretty”. According to conventional standards of what beauty is, I don’t fit in, never have. Having a social media account, watching movies and television shows doesn’t really help my insecurity. I see these celebrities who have the perfect hair, faces, bodies and perfect social media accounts and this sense of inadequacy creeps in to me.
I remember once, someone told me, “Oh, you look so pretty!” and I just gave them a half smile. I couldn’t accept that compliment. I tried to think of their ulterior motives behind them calling me pretty. “Maybe they want something from me” – I thought to myself. I hide from the mirrors in my house because I know that when I see a mirror, I’m going to be very critical and judge every minute detail of my appearance. I’m going to feel the rush of anxiety when I see the amount of acne on my forehead and I’ll probably cry when I see how my hair looks.
I remember once, my friend, who is considered to be pretty, told me she hates the way she looks and I was so puzzled because so many people compliment her on her looks but she was still insecure about it. I noticed how a couple of other people had insecurities over the way they looked as well.
What I concluded was that it doesn’t matter if you’re good looking by the conventional standards of beauty because at the end of the way – we are our worst critics and who we are will never be enough for us. We all have a certain perception of what beauty is and if we don’t fit our standards of beauty, how on earth are we supposed to fit society’s measure of beauty?
Let me know what you think in the comment’s section below.
If you would really like to get to know me, then it’s imperative that you get acquainted with my thoughts as well. My thoughts….
My thoughts are like this raging fire, like an untamed roaring and wild beast. I may be quiet and soft spoken but my thoughts are loud and they don’t hold anything back. It needs to have its say on everything, right from the person in front of me to the food I’m eating to different intense topics and conversations. It never stops, not even for a second. It distracts me with intriguing, interesting, daunting and sometimes silly ideas. They can be very dominating and telling them to stop, to switch off is quite futile and useless. It explores possibilities, relations, concepts and ideas and conducts an in depth study on each.
However crazy, intense and dominating my thoughts are, I cannot imagine a minute or day without them. It’s very much apart of me and I cannot escape, no matter how hard I try.
Do you ever just want something constant in your life. People change and they become different, winter becomes summer, the years, months, days all pass by. I just want constancy. I want something that I can rely on and I know I can run to when everything in my life feels fuzzy and messy. It could be anything, a thing or a hobby. It just gets frustrating when everything around me is changing rapidly and I can’t control it.
Sometimes I feel like writing is my source of constancy. It is the best outlet for me to release all my whirlwind of emotions. And I know that even if everything changes and life gets a little tough, I can pick up my pen and paper and just write and I will feel great like I always do when I write.
What’s your source of constancy? Do let me know in the comments section below.
As an introvert, I spend many hours in silence meditating, pondering on different subjects. For me, the silence is a must or a necessity. I cannot function without having time to sit still. It’s absolutely imperative for me to find those few minutes of pure silence. It’s funny how when I’m in a place which is noisy, crowded and people are talking non-stop, my mind finds an emergency button – which is to switch off, unplug from the chaos and dive into the peace, the quiet and the unknown. People often ask me why I zone out so often. Well, here is my answer. Zoning out is not an excuse to not listen to somebody who is boring, it simply is a way to find my safe space when the world around me seems to be too noisy or chaotic for me the handle. It’s more like my fight or flight response.
For other people however, silence is perceived as boring. for most it is a waste of time. As, I observed members of my family, I notice how when they were silent, they found it baffling. For them, talking non-stop, is to live each and every moment to the fullest is what matters most. Silence is not in the schedule. Being quiet even for a minute is peculiar and odd.
I find it quite humorous to see such a vast difference between me and my biological relatives. How I perceive silence and how they perceive it is so different. Silence is where I can unwind and find joy and draw out conclusions to problems and complex thoughts. As for others, silence is unwanted and quite useless.
I don’t feel so good. I feel kind of depressed and melancholy. I have felt like this for the past few months and I have stopped blogging, playing the piano. I could just lie in bed, watching movies and tv shows all day if could. But I can’t.
It feels kind of horrible when I realize that no one can really comprehend the intensity of what I am going through. I have spoken to a few people but they just wouldn’t understand. I have no energy to do anything. I can’t motivate myself to do anything. All I can do it put a fake smile on and pretend that I feel great and that nothing is wrong. I shouldn’t be complaining. I got the help I needed for depression last year. But I feel miserable and tired and fed up. I often contemplate the point of this life given to us and whether it is even worth it. This is how I have been feeling.
Here I am, sharing how I truly feel, not holding anything back and laying it all out there.
I have grown up in India where there are millions of homeless and poor people. Everywhere I go, there are these families sleeping on the foot path. They lay a sheet as a their bed to sleep on everyday. Some sleep on their railway tracks because they have no where else to go. A little girl is cradling a baby and her mother is nowhere to be seen. Small children, even younger than me who are supposed to be in school come up to me and beg me to buy a pen at just Rs.10. They look into my eyes and my heart melts. There are girls and boys my age working as servants in other houses just to provide for their families, not because they want to.
They didn’t choose to be in this position. They didn’t choose to wake up on the street every morning wondering whether they’ll actually have enough money to buy themselves a little food. The little children didn’t choose to beg and plead strangers for money. But this is their life they have and it is so unfair. It breaks my heart to see them in this state. Everyday I wake up on a bed, I get food to eat and I may not like it but at least I have food to eat. There are so many things I complain about while there are some who are don’t even have the basic necessities.
Sometimes I feel that I have become numb and indifferent to their suffering. I have become used to seeing people sleeping on the streets even when it rains heavily and it’s pouring. I feel impotent, weak and helpless. I want to help them, I really do, I want to do more but how? How can I help millions of people who are suffering. The fact that I care doesn’t change the fact that there is a problem that needs to be resolved.
Hello everyone, I was thinking about how I day dream and zone out, so I thought out I would write a post on it.
Firstly, how many of you all day dream or zone out? And when?(Be honest, we all do right?) I usually zone out during a boring lecture or sometimes when I’m watching something uninteresting or if someone talks too much. It’s actually funny when I zone out, at least to other people, because it’s like I am in this other state itself and people have to snap their fingers to wake me up.
I usually think about a conversation I had with someone or a movie that I watched or just my future and thoughts. I really enjoy being zoned out because it takes my mind away from the present sufferings or bore of life and brings you to this new and exciting place, if you know what I mean. Usually when I zone out, people think that I’m very sad or angry which is totally not true, I just need some space inside my head.
While I wouldn’t prescribe zoning out all the time because it is a distraction, I would say that it is okay to zone out from time to time because it’s like a stress buster at least for me. What do you think about day dreaming and zoning out?