Finding Myself. Perspective 33.

21st of April, 2018. 

I’m on a path to discovering myself. When I had depression, I was in this dark place for a long time. Who I was became a blur and I lost all purpose and meaning. Ever since I came out of depression, I realized that there are parts of me that I want to explore and unravel. I want to shine some light on the on those hidden aspects of myself and re-discover myself. For a long time I thought that finding myself was the most selfish thing I could ever do or even think of but someone close to me reminded me that it’s okay to find out who I really am.

I guess I got lost along the way. I wanted to help as many people as possible because when I had depression, I couldn’t help people with their problems. When I started getting better, I took every opportunity to make time for the people in my life and make sure that I was there for them 100%. The guilt consumed me. I didn’t focus on myself very much. And in the process, I lost my identity and sight of who I am.

I have so many questions that I want to get the answers to about myself like what is my passion? what do I really like ? who are the people closest to me ? what do I want out of this life ? what are my dreams ?  It’s going to be a long journey but it’s one that I’m excited to embark on. I want to really get to know me. I will keep you all updated. Let me know if any of y’all have gone through this in the comments section below.

There are always aspects of ourselves that we need to explore and discover. Don’t let them remain hidden, find out who you really are.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

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So Much Sadness. Perspective 32.

Sadness fills my heart,
It overwhelms my soul,
I can feel the heaviness and the weight on my chest.
Everything around me becomes fuzzy,
I can barely concentrate.
I smile, I laugh and pretend everything is okay,
When in reality, it’s not.
I just don’t want anyone to find out how I’m feeling,
So I hide my sadness and put up this facade for people.
I feel so deeply,
It hurts to feel so much,
So much sadness

Breathe. Perspective 31.

29th of March, 2018.

Sometimes it feels like the world is spinning too fast. Things are happening so rapidly. Everyone is running but I’m that one runner who is lagging behind. And whenever I attempt to catch up, I get so confused and perplexed. Has anyone realised, we have already completed 3 months of 2018? How crazy is that?

There are decisions to make, responsibilities to take, people to please, exams to study for.. and I just cannot stay up to date with everything. I feel like time is slipping through my fingers.

Just breathe. Take a deep breathe in and just relax. That’s my way of dealing with all of this. Taking things one step at a time is what I have to consistently remind myself to do and things will work out the way they are supposed to in the end.

Have a wonderful day,

A Shy Introvert.

Introvert Burn Out. Perspective 30.

19th of March, 2018. 

Over the past few weeks, I have spent time with many friends and it hasn’t necessarily been face to face but also over texts and calls. I really enjoy spending time with people and just getting to know them as an individual. I love getting to know one’s likes, dislikes, experiences and just anything about them but if I’m being perfectly honestly, after a while of spending time with people, my energy reserves deplete and I need to withdraw and recharge.

I don’t want this to come off as a complaint. I love people but I do need alone time. I am an introvert after all. There is a certain limit to which I can talk to people and hear them out but then after that I need a break and just time to breathe and let my thoughts flow. (I know I am weird ) There was a time when I was ashamed of wanting to be alone because there are so many people who can just be with friends, family everyday and not get exhausted. There was a time when I hung out with a group of friends on one particular day and then they wanted to meet again the next day and then the day after that which was a lot for me to deal with.

I think part of the reason why I find it exhausting is because when I spend time with anyone, I listen to them more than anything, their burden and their stories. I tend to carry a part of their suffering unconsciously. I constantly feel the need to check up on people and make sure that they are all right and that depletes my energy reserves. People find it odd and may wonder whether they have done anything to upset me after I cancel plans or when I’m not that active on social media.

How do I unwind and recharge my batteries? By writing how I feel or my thoughts, listening to calming music, going out for a walk just because I tend to collect my thoughts better when I go out for walk (to be honest, I feel very lazy to go out for a walk so this doesn’t happen very often), cooking is also therapeutic for me and watching television shows and reading books. I think one thing people should know about introvert burn out is that it’s temporary and we do not hate you. We would sincerely appreciate if you give us some time and space to recharge.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

 

 

 

Intuition. Perspective 29.

26th of February, 2018. 

I was about 14 when I first had an intuitive experience. That day, I awoke to a horrible pain and an uncomfortable feeling in the gut area. I had awoken earlier than usual and I wondered why. I knew it was not a stomach ache. It couldn’t be, that pain was different. It was not anything that I had experienced before. I kept walking up and down my house trying to comprehend as to why I was experiencing such agony.

Then it hit me, what if I was experiencing someone else’s pain? I knew what empathy  was. So I kept reciting names of people who were close to me and I decided that if I say a certain name and the pain subsides, then that means that I found the person. It was a very unusual experience but I realized that that was the only way I could get rid of the pain. And as I recited one of the names of the people closest to me, the pain subsided, I felt a little peace. I found the person but how was I to explain to them that I was carrying their pain?

So anyway, I decided to meet this person and tell them. This person, let’s call him/her John. John was in a very agitated mood when I met him. I asked him how he was but he refused to tell me and then I asked him if he slept well and he said no. So, I told him how I felt and how I had woken up early in the morning. And he told me about something that had really upset him and hence, he hadn’t slept well. That experience was surreal and it was my first intuitive experience.

From that day, I have had other experiences with my intuition, some have been right and others wrong. But it amazes me each and every time how the intuition works. I distinctively remember chatting with this person and experiencing a very uncomfortable feeling that would not subside. So I stopped chatting with this person and later I found out some not very pleasing information about them.

There are have been many times when I have ignored this annoying, uncomfortable feeling out of a fear of being wrong or just because I wanted too. But lately, I have realized, how important it is to follow my intuition carefully because it saves me from danger.

Thank you for reading ! Let me know if you have had any intuitive experience or what your thoughts are on intuition 🙂

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

A Relapse of Depression. Perspective 28.

21st of February, 2018.

I had severe depression for the last 3 years and I was able to get help for it. But even though I’m fine now, what scares me the most is that I will experience another bout of depression and last month I was close to having a relapse of depression which was very scary for me.

Last month, I had many assignments and a major life change occurred which gave me a lot of anxiety and left me restless. I started panicking and I would have anxious thoughts every now and then. I started questioning my life and my purpose. I felt that living was futile and then I became scared when I realized I might be having a relapse of depression. It was a really scary moment in my life.

I ended up going to church. Church has always been the place that provides me with solace and comfort during my dark days and after going there, I know it will be odd to some of you, but I felt at peace and I just knew that everything was going to be okay. I realized it was pointless worrying and crying and I picked myself up. I listened to music which really uplifted my spirits and I also wrote which always cheers me up. And I was able to steer myself away from a near relapse of depression.

I am still afraid of having a relapse of depression. I feel like depression is like a robber that lurks around the house and waits to steal the wealth ( my joy ) of the house ( me ) . I feel more confident now because I have some ideas on how to prevent depression from bothering me again. Some of the ways are –

1. Listen to Music – By listening to upbeat and positive songs, I felt joyful and face all the challenges.

2. Talk to Friends or Family- Just by talking to my friends and catching up with them, I felt much better.

3. Reading Positive Quotes – I love collecting quotes because it really cheers me up. Reading my collection of quotes really helped me.

4. Doing something you love – If it’s going out for a walk, playing an instrument or cooking, do whatever makes you happy. For me it was writing.

These are some of the ways that helped me recover. I am so much better now. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help. If you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. You are so worth it and your life is meaningful and you are needed on this earth for a purpose. Some of the quotes that helped me –

Lots of love,

A Shy Introvert.

 

Suspicious.

via Daily Prompt: Suspicious

I have always been suspicious of people who appear to have everything together. You know those people who always smile and are friends with everyone and are good at almost everything. I mean how they can they be absolutely perfect, they have their flaws right? Sometime I become suspicious to the point that I actually dislike the person and then I compare myself to them. “She/He has probably done it better“, is what I say. My self esteem falls and my hatred for those people increases. But I have begun to realize that everyone has their flaws and faults and that at the end of the day, we’re all beautifully broken. We are a masterpiece that has its own faults and that’s perfectly okay. Some people appear to be perfect but they have their own problems and I have no right to judge them or be suspicious of them because I don’t know what they are going through.

 

 

I am a Hopeless Romantic. Perspective 27.

13th of February, 2018

Yes, the title of this post is very true. I AM A HOPELESS ROMANTIC. Although I was very scared at first to admit this harsh truth, I realized I needed to be honest. While all the couples make their plans for Valentine’s day, I have decided to confess that I am a hopeless romantic.

Valentine’s day, another day of the year I am reminded that I am lonely and another day to have an excuse to watch a Hallmark movie and have chocolate and junk food and think about how I will meet my future somebody. Those Hallmark movies have really messed me up. Anyway, I can’t help thinking about an unrealistic reality where everyone is happy in love. It gives me a little boost of joy. So this is what it is like to be a hopeless romantic:

1.Watching Romantic Films

I watch millions of romantic movies including the Notebook, She’s All That, Me Before You and I think I have cried through them too.

 

2. I cry and feel a lot. 

I have cried through these romantic movies and I just feel a lot whenever I hear romantic stories or just cute proposals. Once, I spent an hour watching wedding videos and the tears flowed.

3. I constantly think of how I am going to find the “one“

I blame all the romantic movies for this one. I often think of how I am going to find the perfect guy or the “one”

4. I can literally make up hundreds of love stories and even my vows for the wedding. 

I can just recite my own love story and the vows for my own wedding and tell you how exactly everything should be.

Anyway, I know you’re thinking that I am obsessed but I hope that you can understand that I am just a really emotional person and I feel a lot. Hopefully this reason will explain my craziness. If any of you understand me, please comment and let me know 🙂

Lots of love,

A Shy Introvert.

 

Believing the Best in People. Perspective 26.

10th of February, 2018. 

It’s actually very funny that I am writing this post because one year ago, I wouldn’t have agreed with this post. Believing the worst in people was more like my motto. I was cynical of people and I strongly believed that everyone in the world was motivated by their own selfish motives.

I guess it was easier for me to accept that people were bad first rather than to accept that they were good people. Every time I met someone who was so nice and down to earth, I became apprehensive of their behavior and had many doubts about their kind nature. I became used to having people in my life who put their selves before me, who didn’t care about me at all and who were just always thinking about themselves. I was always waiting for people to show their true selves which according to me was mean, rude and selfish.

Being cynical can make you feel lonely like it made me because believing that everyone is only looking out for themselves is not something that is easy to digest. I got to this point where I was so cynical that I couldn’t even trust people because I was so confident that they were going to do something bad, that they were going to betray me.

I recently decided that I had had enough of believing the worst in people and that I wanted to start believing the best in people. Believing the best in people doesn’t mean that you ignore their faults but it means that you believe that everyone has this reservoir of goodness inside them even though they may not be able to express it as clearly as you may want them to. 

After adopting this ideology, I noticed that when you believe the best in people, they may just surprise you. The truth is we are all good and bad and some find it easier to express one more than the other. Everyone is good and is a wonder waiting to be explored. We have to give people chances to let their goodness be discovered and they may just surprise you. Don’t give up on anyone. This is something that I am always going to be working on but I am hoping that I never give up on people and always believe in the good of people.

I hope you enjoyed today’s post.

Thank you.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

 

Confusion. Perspective 25.

24th of January, 2018.

Confusion – the state of being bewildered or unclear in one’s mind about something.

I’m in a state of confusion right now. I have too many things going on right from projects, a family wedding, friendship issues. And I feel so unclear and overwhelmed with everything. My mind is in this state of confusion and I want to stop and scream.

I have been feeling anxious and sad and I really want to run away from everything. I wish everything could stop just for a minute. I go to sleep thinking about everything that is going on and get up with this heavy feeling.

There is this quote that I really love which says, “Someday everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.”

This quote makes me want to laugh at the confusion and smile through the tears because I know one day, everything will make sense. So I’m trying to laugh and smile. It’s tough but I’m doing my best. I know this confusion will be sorted out.

If you are in this state of confusion today, just know you’re not alone and that everything will make sense. Don’t be too worried. Things will work out, just have faith.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.