UGLY. Perspective 41.

16th of January, 2019.

Perhaps my biggest insecurity is of the way I look. I’ve never been able to accept the way I look or even consider myself as “pretty”. According to conventional standards of what beauty is, I don’t fit in, never have. Having a social media account, watching movies and television shows doesn’t really help my insecurity. I see these celebrities who have the perfect hair, faces, bodies and perfect social media accounts and this sense of inadequacy creeps in to me.

I remember once, someone told me, “Oh, you look so pretty!” and I just gave them a half smile. I couldn’t accept that compliment. I tried to think of their ulterior motives behind them calling me pretty. “Maybe they want something from me” – I thought to myself. I hide from the mirrors in my house because I know that when I see a mirror, I’m going to be very critical and judge every minute detail of my appearance. I’m going to feel the rush of anxiety when I see the amount of acne on my forehead and I’ll probably cry when I see how my hair looks.

I remember once, my friend, who is considered to be pretty, told me she hates the way she looks and I was so puzzled because so many people compliment her on her looks but she was still insecure about it. I noticed how a couple of other people had insecurities over the way they looked as well.

What I concluded was that it doesn’t matter if you’re good looking by the conventional standards of beauty because at the end of the way – we are our worst critics and who we are will never be enough for us. We all have a certain perception of what beauty is and if we don’t fit our standards of beauty, how on earth are we supposed to fit society’s measure of beauty? 

Let me know what you think in the comment’s section below.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

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My thoughts. Perspective 40.

29th of November, 2018. 

If you would really like to get to know me, then it’s imperative that you get acquainted with my thoughts as well. My thoughts….

My thoughts are like this raging fire, like an untamed roaring and wild beast. I may be quiet and soft spoken but my thoughts are loud and they don’t hold anything back. It needs to have its say on everything, right from the person in front of me to the food I’m eating to different intense topics and conversations. It never stops, not even for a second. It distracts me with intriguing, interesting, daunting and sometimes silly ideas. They can be very dominating and telling them to stop, to switch off is quite futile and useless. It explores possibilities, relations, concepts and ideas and conducts an in depth study on each.

However crazy, intense and dominating my thoughts are, I cannot imagine a minute or day without them. It’s very much apart of me and I cannot escape, no matter how hard I try.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

Constancy. Perspective 39.

20th of September, 2018.

Do you ever just want something constant in your life. People change and they become different, winter becomes summer, the years, months, days all pass by. I just want constancy. I want something that I can rely on and I know I can run to when everything in my life feels fuzzy and messy. It could be anything, a thing or a hobby. It just gets frustrating when everything around me is changing rapidly and I can’t control it.

Sometimes I feel like writing is my source of constancy. It is the best outlet for me to release all my whirlwind of emotions. And I know that even if everything changes and life gets a little tough, I can pick up my pen and paper and just write and I will feel great like I always do when I write.

What’s your source of constancy? Do let me know in the comments section below.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

The Introvert’s Need For Silence. Perspective 38

15th of September, 2018.

As an introvert, I spend many hours in silence meditating, pondering on different subjects. For me, the silence is a must or a necessity. I cannot function without having time to sit still. It’s absolutely imperative for me to find those few minutes of pure silence. It’s funny how when I’m in a place which is noisy, crowded and people are talking non-stop, my mind finds an emergency button – which is to switch off, unplug from the chaos and dive into the peace, the quiet and the unknown. People often ask me why I zone out so often. Well, here is my answer. Zoning out is not an excuse to not listen to somebody who is boring, it simply is a way to find my safe space when the world around me seems to be too noisy or chaotic for me the handle. It’s more like my fight or flight response.

For other people however, silence is perceived as boring. for most it is a waste of time. As, I observed members of my family, I notice how when they were silent, they found it baffling. For them, talking non-stop, is to live each and every moment to the fullest is what matters most. Silence is not in the schedule. Being quiet even for a minute is peculiar and odd.

I find it quite humorous to see such a vast difference between me and my biological relatives. How I perceive silence and how they perceive it is so different. Silence is where I can unwind and find joy and draw out conclusions to problems and complex thoughts. As for others, silence is unwanted and quite useless.

How do you perceive silence?

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert .

I don’t feel so good. Perspective 37.

5th of September, 2018. 

I don’t feel so good. I feel kind of depressed and melancholy. I have felt like this for the past few months and I have stopped blogging, playing the piano. I could just lie in bed, watching movies and tv shows all day if could. But I can’t. 

It feels kind of horrible when I realize that no one can really comprehend the intensity of what I am going through. I have spoken to a few people but they just wouldn’t understand. I have no energy to do anything. I can’t motivate myself to do anything. All I can do it put a fake smile on and pretend that I feel great and that nothing is wrong. I shouldn’t be complaining. I got the help I needed for depression last year. But I feel miserable and tired and fed up. I often contemplate the point of this life given to us and whether it is even worth it. This is how I have been feeling. 

Here I am, sharing how I truly feel, not holding anything back and laying it all out there. 

Lots of Love, 

A Shy Introvert.

Numb To Suffering? Perspective 36.

9th of July, 2018. 

I have grown up in India where there are millions of homeless and poor people. Everywhere I go, there are these families sleeping on the foot path. They lay a sheet as a their bed to sleep on everyday. Some sleep on their railway tracks because they have no where else to go. A little girl is cradling a baby and her mother is nowhere to be seen. Small children, even younger than me who are supposed to be in school come up to me and beg me to buy a pen at just Rs.10. They look into my eyes and my heart melts. There are girls and boys my age working as servants in other houses just to provide for their families, not because they want to.

They didn’t choose to be in this position. They didn’t choose to wake up on the street every morning wondering whether they’ll actually have enough money to buy themselves a little food. The little children didn’t choose to beg and plead strangers for money. But this is their life they have and it is so unfair. It breaks my heart to see them in this state. Everyday I wake up on a bed, I get food to eat and I may not like it but at least I have food to eat. There are so many things I complain about while there are some who are don’t even have the basic necessities.

Sometimes I feel that I have become numb and indifferent to their suffering. I have become used to seeing people sleeping on the streets even when it rains heavily and it’s pouring. I feel impotent, weak and helpless. I want to help them, I really do, I want to do more but how? How can I help millions of people who are suffering. The fact that I care doesn’t change the fact that there is a problem that needs to be resolved.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

Zoning Out, Day Dreaming. Perspective 35.

13th of July, 2018.

Hello everyone, I was thinking about how I day dream and zone out, so I thought out I would write a post on it.

Firstly, how many of you all day dream or zone out? And when?(Be honest, we all do right?) I usually zone out during a boring lecture or sometimes when I’m watching something uninteresting or if someone talks too much. It’s actually funny when I zone out, at least to other people, because it’s like I am in this other state itself and people have to snap their fingers to wake me up.

I usually think about a conversation I had with someone or a movie that I watched or just my future and thoughts. I really enjoy being zoned out because it takes my mind away from the present sufferings or bore of life and brings you to this new and exciting place, if you know what I mean. Usually when I zone out, people think that I’m very sad or angry which is totally not true, I just need some space inside my head.

While I wouldn’t prescribe zoning out all the time because it is a distraction, I would say that it is okay to zone out from time to time because it’s like a stress buster at least for me. What do you think about day dreaming and zoning out?

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

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Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

Self – Doubt. Perspective 34.

7th of May, 2018. 

Hello everyone ! In this post, I wanted to write about self – doubt. We all know what self – doubt is. It’s that annoying voice at the back of your head that just creeps up so often. I hear it a lot and sometimes, almost every day. Doubting oneself is something dangerous. Why ? It hinders you from doing things that you love because it creates doubts and questions your ability which will naturally make a person wonder whether or not they should carry on with their task.

When I publish a post, that annoying voice comes up and says, “What if no one reads your post? Is your blog even good compared to the other blogs out there ? I don’t think you should write about this……….” The questions and the critical comments go on and on. Even questions like Am I a good friend ? Can I do anything right ? Just so many questions pop up and it’s frustrating. Self – doubt has prevented me from doing so many activities just because I thought I wasn’t good enough and I lacked the confidence and belief in myself.

Self – doubt causes one to seek validation from others. I crave and crave validation to be frank. If I want to take part in a competition, I’ll ask my family members and say I’m not good enough intentionally just to wait for them to say, “You’re really good and you should take part.” Self – doubt is an indicator of issues like lack of confidence and belief in oneself. It’s so easy for me to tell someone else that they are good at something but when it comes to me, it seems like I have not even a dram of confidence in my abilities or in myself.

Self – doubt is real killer of  our dreams, ambitions because of the lack of confidence and faith we have in our abilities.

Dealing with Self – Doubt…………….. To be continued

Hope you liked this post. Let me how self – doubt affects you in the comments section below.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.

Finding Myself. Perspective 33.

21st of April, 2018. 

I’m on a path to discovering myself. When I had depression, I was in this dark place for a long time. Who I was became a blur and I lost all purpose and meaning. Ever since I came out of depression, I realized that there are parts of me that I want to explore and unravel. I want to shine some light on the on those hidden aspects of myself and re-discover myself. For a long time I thought that finding myself was the most selfish thing I could ever do or even think of but someone close to me reminded me that it’s okay to find out who I really am.

I guess I got lost along the way. I wanted to help as many people as possible because when I had depression, I couldn’t help people with their problems. When I started getting better, I took every opportunity to make time for the people in my life and make sure that I was there for them 100%. The guilt consumed me. I didn’t focus on myself very much. And in the process, I lost my identity and sight of who I am.

I have so many questions that I want to get the answers to about myself like what is my passion? what do I really like ? who are the people closest to me ? what do I want out of this life ? what are my dreams ?  It’s going to be a long journey but it’s one that I’m excited to embark on. I want to really get to know me. I will keep you all updated. Let me know if any of y’all have gone through this in the comments section below.

There are always aspects of ourselves that we need to explore and discover. Don’t let them remain hidden, find out who you really are.

Lots of Love,

A Shy Introvert.